The Side of Katie You Never Knew Existed

2003-09-22T16:29:00.000-05:00

Piece of trash!!!! Ok, I am not even sure I want to put this on the internet for the world to read but I need a place to vent so here I go....Ok, I am worrying about something right now and it literally is haunting me....I so want to do the right thing but I am having a hard time putting my foot down....Oh geez, I am such a pushover.....especially when it comes to this. I need some prayer so I not onluy make the right choice but that I have the strength to follow through. Besides that everything else is good, work is still going well, school is pretty good but I am defintely lacking sleep today which makes school seem like not such a great thing:) I seriously wanted to curl up on the floor at work today, I tried to drink espresso and wake up but it didn't even help. Ok, so the newest man in my life is my little kitty named Paris. He is such a sweet cat, all he wants to do is cuddle with me. It is great to come home and have him waiting for me. Also I found out another girl who I work with is moving into my apartment complex which is cool because then we can hang out. Ok, I have to answer the stupid annoying phone now, it is ringing off the hook so I gotta run......Later.....

2003-09-05T18:58:00.000-05:00

Reeeeeeeaaaallllllyyyyy long time since I last posted but my life has been crazy busy during the past month or so. I am officially an Arizonian and I am loving every minute. I love my apartment, my school, my jobs, the weather, and my new friends. My apartment is defintely nice to come home to, it is my "Morroccan" hideaway and I really like having a place to myself. My campus at ASU west is amazing, nothing like going to school amid fountains and palm trees. I like all my classes and my teachers so I really lucked out. I took over my mom's job working at Mimi's Cafe ( a really great restaurant) which I absolutely love....the people are so much fun to work with....I have lots of work buddies and a few I would like to be more then buddies:) I also work at a company called Epic International where I deal with conferences for large coporations. I do reservations, etc but I also get to travel so it is mixing business with the travel industry. It is alot of fun too. And of course, I am still baby-sitting some. I b-sit for a particularly cute little boy named Nathaniel who is already extremely close to my heart. The weather is definitely a perk out here..I know it is freakin' hot sometimes but there is nothing like an 80 degree night:) I am making friends both at school and at work so that is a big relief for me...I wasn't necessarily worried but since I am kinda short on spare time I wasn't sure how that was going to go. It is also wonderful to be close to my family. I get to meet my mom for dinner, take Jenna shopping, and hang out with Colin. Also Josh came home from the Air Force a week ago and surprised us all so he is here for a while which is wonderful:) I really missed him alot. Anyways, that is my deal, seriously I am really, really happy....although I do miss you all back at Trinity and of course I miss my dear roomie. It is weird not to be able to see my Stell and Punk but soon you will be here to see me:) Peace out yo....

2003-07-24T13:31:00.000-05:00

So Punk, here is a new post so you and my blog will feel better:) It is now 4 days till I move and I am feeling very mixed up. Excited, crazy, stressed, sad, confused, and kinda like my head is going to explode. This week has been hard, saying goodbye and starting again. Trying to understand and breaking down inside, I have a feeling this is going to be an emotional roller coaster. I feel pulled in so many different directions and while I want to be true to what I feel, sometimes it hurts too much so I just push it away. I feel like there is a huge wall of tears and anguish just waiting to be released but I know that if I start I will never stop so I choose to ignore that ache inside and pretend it isn't there. It is just easier that way, probably not emotionally healthy but heck, I am going to be messed up regardless. Anyways, enough of my ramblings. All I know is that I am leaving in 4 days and I am going to miss you all so much. Like you said Punk, what am I going to do without you? How will I survive without my Stell? Moving forward is just a little too hard....maybe I could just bring you all with me?

2003-06-26T16:50:00.000-05:00

I have often wondered just what exactly the point of life is. I know all the right answers to that question but it doesn't stop me from wondering deep down inside. Sometimes I think that it isn't woth it, sometimes I think it is just too complicated, too painful, too messy. No one could ever know what goes on inside of me, I am not sure I even know. Somewhere inside is a place that is filled with all the stuff I can't or won't deal with. Is that ok? I know it is there but can't seem to reach it. Once in awhile something triggers a release and a small fraction comes to the surface but for the most part I am empty of what I used to be. What fills me instead is the knowledge that nothing I do will ever stop this downhill spiral. I get sucked into it not by my own will but by those who pull me down with them. Try as I might to resist, the pull is out of my control and I am sent to a place where I never wanted to go. Perhaps I could leave it all behind....just go somewhere new where no one knows me and I can pretend to be free...but still even then deep down inside, my reality would still be there, holding on, always haunting me. I try and try but it never works. So here I am still ignoring what is always there and trying to pretend like I don't care, that nothing hurts, that I am fine. And I will go, wherever it takes me because I have to. I can see no other way.

2003-06-19T21:25:00.000-05:00

Guess who let a tattoo man punch a hole through her stomach??? Yep, that's me..I let them pierce my belly button..thanks roomie for chickening out...now I have to endure the pain that is beauty all by myself:) Just kidding, it doesn't hurt that bad...the pain is worth it when I look down and see a little jewel sparkling...I really like it. Anyways, I am baby-sitting right now and I have determined that I am looking forward to moving if only to escape from this particular child. He is a disaster and I am soooo glad that I do not have to deal with him for much longer. I think I am a fairly patient individual but this kid knows how to push every button and makes me want to scream at him and then run out the door never to return. Who would've guessed a 2 year old could be my worst nightmare? ARRRRRRRRRGHHHH! Ok, enough about that. I had a great time this past weekend with my roomie and her family. We had so much fun even though we were in a very little town. We shopped, ate, saw a movie, and of course I pierced my belly button. It was nice just hanging out with Jess and her fam. I bonded with her bird, and her turtle...fun times. Alright, I gotta get to back to my crazy child. Later.....

2003-06-08T15:16:00.000-05:00

Well, it has been freakin' forever since I wrote in this thing, actually a whole month has passed. School's out for the summer, life is crazy busy as usual, and I am enjoying every moment of it. I rarely have time to get on the computer let alone update my blog regularly so here is a quick update of what has transpired over the past month. Ok, first thing Travis and I stopped dating after like 4 days ( very short term relationship) which was a good thing because we both realized..or at least I did....that we are definitely not headed in the same directions. I enjoy my independence more than I realized and trying to mix a guy into that is not going to work for right now. On top of that, my heart has always been a little bit torn between moving forward and staying true to a past flame and lets just say I am not sure the past has completely past:) Yep, so that didn't last long but at least I know now a little bit more of what I am looking for and what I am not looking for. Anyways, I have been baby-sitting a zillion hours a week but actually very much enjoying it because I can take the kids to fun places not that it is summer. I am also very much enjoying all the social time with my friends, so far there have been some very fun times. Zack and Bre's wedding was great, we danced the night away and I think it was one of my best college memories yet. There were some really hot guys there...good times, good times:) I am really looking forward to Adam and Ann' s wedding so we can repeat it again. Anyways, besides that I have just been hanging out with Stell, Punk, Chip, and a bunch of other interchanging people which has been a blast. I intend to make my last summer here in Chi town as memorable as possible so I hope the good times continue. Peace out!

2003-05-07T17:15:00.000-05:00

I would have to say this week so far has flown by. So much has happened and all in such a short period of time. I have always thought of myself as the type of girl who see's things coming but this is one I did not predict. For those of you who don't know (which I am sure all of you do by know) Travis and I started dating on Sunday. Everyone was pretty much in shock but I don't think anyone was more surprised than me. Just a short time ago I was pretty sure I was going to swear off guys forever but instead, God blessed me with somthing else. I never doubt God's timing and feel very special that that He plans just for me. Leaving Him in control always takes the pressure off of me and that is the way I like it because then I don't have to be crazy all the time. Yep, so I am happy:)

School is coming to a close and with it some endings and a few new beginnings. This is my last semester at Trinity and it is pretty much finished which leaves me both happy and sad at the same time. Trinity is where I spent 2 years of my life and learned alot, not necessarily academically:) but definitely emotionally and spiritually. The summer is looming and with it comes a lot of unknowns. All I know is that for now, I am happy and I can rest knowing God's timing and providence will always come through for me.

2003-05-04T01:29:00.000-05:00

A new feeling has come over me, one I didn't expect but it is more than welcome. Feelings of a new kind come when you least expect them too and with them the assurance that God is in control and He always knows what is best. I would've never guessed the timimg for all of this but I should've anticipated God would know when my heart was ready. Funny when things you never dreamed break open your heart and shed new light into the darkness, a welcome warmth that makes me feel a little giddy.
Anyways, enough of my nonsensical ramblings, just really happy tonight cause it was a good night. I went to see X Men 2 with Travis, Ryan, Josh, etc and it was a lot of fun hanging with the boys:) You know those moments where you just feel so comfortable and happy you wonder why you would ever disrupt it? That was me and still is. I am looking forward to the Greek party tomorrow, just excited to have so many of the people I love in the same place! Yep, so I am really happy....and now I gotta write an econ paper...thats what I get for procrastination:)

2003-05-02T15:22:00.001-05:00

Just a quick note to let the whole world know that MY GOD IS AN AWSEOME GOD!!!!! I am just blown away by His faithfullness and His amazing blessings...He never lets me down and always comes through in ways I am totally not expecting. Yep so YEAH for God!!!! That's all, more later:)

2003-05-02T00:53:00.000-05:00

This has been a very long week, actually probably the longest of the whole semester which is funny because if I wouldn't have been a slacker this would not be happening to me. Last weekend was Greek Easter which was so much fun. Saturday night Stell and I went to the Parhas' and it was almost like deja vue because it felt just like it always did in high school. I spent so much time at that house dring high school that as soon as I walk in the door I feel completely normal. It was crazy and chaotic but that is one of the things I love the most because nothing is ever boring and everyone is completely comfortable with everyone else. Then we went back home and ended up talking with Lydia till 4 in the morning which was good but bad when morning rolled around and I didn't want to get up:) Then we had our little present hunt and a fabulous breakfast. Thanks Stell for my little goodies! Anyways, then we hung out for awhile and eventually we all went to Stell's aunt's house for dinner. Once again, we had great food but more than that, it was just nice to have a whole day filled with hanging out with Stell and Brandon. I love being with both of them because even though they are a couple I never feel weird around them because they are both my friends and I always enjoy their company. Stell has been a part of my life forever and I am glad I will be living with her before I move this summer. I want to soak up as much as possible. Her home has been my home for such a long time that I feel completely relieved when I walk in the door, I love her family and feel like they are mine, I love everything about the whole deal...including the loudness, the craziness, and the nakedness:)
Anyways, time has been slipping rapidly out of my hands this week but it has all been worth it for the memories I have been making. It seems unreal that it is the last week of classes and only finals are left. I feel like all I want to do is spend time with the people that are special to me and have as much fun as possible. Tuesday was another great day because everywhere I turned I found another friend to talk to or hang out with. Travis, thanks for sharing in free ice cream day with me...still waiting for my first Jamba Juice:) Besides that, even though I have had a Statistics filled week and very little sleep, it has been a great week because I have felt very carefree and filled with life, love, and friendship. Ok, I know I sound a little corny but seriously, my heart has been holding on to so much that it feels so good to just let go and fill it up with the sweetness of being alive and with the people I love. Yep, so that is all for now..off to my bed to cuddle with Maddie the Hippo:)

2003-04-24T01:07:00.000-05:00

Lots to say, lots to say. Monday night, my roomie and I got crazy and decided to have a night of fun instead of sleeping or studying...sounds silly but it was tons of fun. First off, we played a little card game called war but to make it interesting we gave it a slightly naughty twist. I will just leave it at that:) Then whoever lost had to get dressed up, which happened to be Jess, and drive to get dougnuts at Krispie Creme where we proceeded to torture the guy at the drive through. Then we went to Burger King and asked if we could trade a doughnut for a cheeseburger, unfortunately they didn't go for it so we just bought one and split it. Oh yeah, before that we went to a gas station and made fools of ourselves and ended by asking the guy if he had directions to get to Florida. It was a riot!! Then we played truth or dare and drove around and got kind of lost but eventually found our way back to good old Trinity only to discover that the doors to JHL were locked. So I bounded over to the security office and luckily, they came and let us in. By that time it was 4:30 in the morning so we decided not to sleep at all since we had chemistry in a couple of hours. That worked for awhile but we dozed off with the lights still on and a movie playing at about 5:45 or so and slept till 7. Yep, so that was our grand night of roommate fun which was great while it lasted but we were slightly tired the next day.
Anyways, I am once again going to be up all night to study for Business Law. I should've started studying 3 hours ago but procrastination got the best of me so I still haven't started and it is already 1. I am just in a really good mood so I feel like being crazy not studying. I found an apartment which I am really excited about, I registered for classes at ASU, and I found some cool stuff to decorate my apartment with so now all I need to do is save up a bunch of money to move with. I know God will provide but I am trying to come up with ideas, any ideas really, and so far I have some crazy ones. Punk, thanks for the kissing booth suggestion but I think that will be a last resort:) And roomie, thanks for all the crazy suggestions like writing a best seller..at least it gave me a laugh. Yep, so besides that I am excited because I have a weekend full of money making jobs, I get to get my hair done, and Greek Easter is on Sunday. I love being a part of Stell's family so it is like I have a family here too. Alright, so I am gonna study and then make it through another day with next to no sleep...Yeah for me!!

2003-04-18T23:29:00.000-05:00

So what is up with everyone and there mom quitting the blog world? Fine, you can all stop writing but frankly, I enjoy it and I don't want to stop. Anyways, I should be in Iowa right now enjoying my time off with my roomie and her family but silly me, I fell off of my bed in the middle of the night and hurt myself. Yes, I know that sounds ridiculous but I was really tired and was getting down to go pee and I just missed the place where I should've stepped...and slammed myself into the hard floor. Yep, so that is my great story. Just to let you know it is very hard to type one handed:)
So my Easter weekend is definitely different then I expected but I suppose it will be fine because I can go to church and celebrate Christ's resurrection anywhere, so long as the painkiller's wear off so I can drive. I feel kinda loopy right now because the doctor gave me strong stuff so I could feel better and not feel the pain in my shoulder which is good, but it really does make me feel weird...not quite all there you know? Ok, I am going to head to bed and try to not roll onto my bad side...by the way, I am sleeping in my roomie's bed so I don't have to climb up to my bed and possibly kill myself again:)

2003-04-15T18:43:00.000-05:00

I love to laugh!! I was watching a taped episode of Friends earlier and laughing out loud because it was hilarious...I probably sounded like an idiot hooting but I didn't care. It makes me feel so happy and life just looks better when all those endorphins are flowing through my bloodstream:) Yep, so that's all. Oh yeah, I love this warm weather too...thanks God!!

2003-04-14T22:37:00.000-05:00

Alright so another beautiful day has rushed by and just a few random thoughts come to mind. First, I was talking to a friend and she was telling me all about the guy troubles that she is having, all because she won't get the nerve to just be upfront with this guy. She was saying how she just wanted him to magically "know" waht she was thinking and I, being ever pessimistic, told her "Look, that isn't going to happen because life is not a fairy tale." She laughed and we eventually moved on but that thought stuck with me. When exactly did I stop believing that life could be like a fairy tale or like the movies? I never had a gigantic revelation in whch I proclaimed it but somewhere along the line, life took a different turn for me and I stopped believing that my prince would one day come and sweep me off my feet. I stopped believing that he would romance me, and make me feel like a princess. How sad is that... I guess it could just be seen as real life invading but what about the fairy tale? Why can't I have it all? I think after all I have seen and been through I deserve the "happy ever after" ending. But I guess that is God's deal and not mine because I have no control over my future other then to try to follow Him. What I do want to do is not be so pessimistic and see the dreamy side of life, I used to and I want to again. Not so much that I am a bubble head but enough that I have some dreams and some fairy tales of my own.
Second thought came while I was kickboxing. I love that class because I get to beat the crap out of an imaginary opponent and I feel very strong afterwards. I was thinking about fighting in general and realized that when it comes to life I am a fighter. I am determined not to let crappy circumstance get me down and when life throws too many punches at me, I may fall down but I always get back up again. Why is it that I have the ability to be strong and my mom, the person who really needs to be strong, can't seem to find any strength at all? I try to encourage her but I can only do so much. What I am trying to figure out is why I am so willing to fight for life and she is willing to just give up? It almost makes me angry that she can't be but then I find myself in shame because I am not the one who is in the situation on a day to day basis but still, I want her to stand up for herself and stop giving in. Alright, I am not sure I am making any sense so I will stop. Have a great night all!

2003-04-14T00:29:00.000-05:00

Lately I always end up posting after midnight, so the date is always wrong but I figure you people are smart enough to catch on to that. So last night (Saturday night) I started this new book I got (Armeggeddon--the Left Behind series) and got so absorbed in it that I couldn't put it down. I ended up finishing it around 5 Sunday morning and then finally went to bed. Not only was it just a really good book, all of the books have stirred something in me that I need to have. When I read about these people who would rather die a painful, excruciating death then budge even one inch from their faith and belief in Jesus it inspires me to take my relationship with Christ to a deeper level. Reading about their committment and their always pressing forward gives me the encouragement I need to take the next steps in my life. Yep. so it was a good book.
After I slept for awhile, I went to my dad's house to hang out for the afternoon and have dinner, etc. I made cookies to send to Josh and made some extras for the guys of 104. I jumped on the trampoline, chased my dogs around the yard like a mad woman, wrestled with my brother, and had some good food. It was a really great afternoon since the weather was so beautiful.I felt almost like a little kid when I used to be so excited to play outside. I wish I felt like that more often; isn't it funny that the older we get the more we lose ourselves or at least our innocent, carefree nature that had no more concerns other then what time our mom's had to drag us inside from playing tag, hide and seek, bike riding, etc. In a way I wish I had more of that tme in my life, I love those days when you feel crazy and wild in a playful sort of way. Once in awhile I find one but all too soon it escapes my grasp and I must plunge back into the reality of my adult world. Anyways, just some thoughts....
I stopped by 104 to drop off the cookies when I got back to school and ended up hanging out with Travis, Matt, and even Kim for a little while. Matt and I had "bonding time" and he can make origami..which I find so cool (probably because I tried it and completely sucked). So now I have a frog he made me to symbolize a new friend:) It was just a nice way to end the evening, spending time with friends and completely enjoying their company. So that's all and I am headed for my down comforter to snuggle in.

2003-04-12T02:26:00.000-05:00

Do you ever have those days where you don't think it is gonna be that great but it turns out to be a really special day? That was today for me. It is 2:15 in the morning and I was just reading my Bible and it struck me, regardless of what kind of crap I go through I have something so many people don't. I have a God who listens to me, cares for me, and helps me. I have a God who cries when I cry, carries me when I am weak, and blesses me regardless of the fact that I am a worthless human being. Not only do I have that but among those many blessings are the wonderful friends He has given me. I know that no matter what I can go to them and they will support me, love me, make me laugh, and most of all pray for me. Why do I get all these things? Many people don't have the privilege and I for one feel extremely blessed to have the face of God shine upon me.
I baby-sat tonight and it was so enjoyable. The littlest girl, Annabelle, was so cute. She is just learning how to talk and she makes these great faces. She went to bed early and then Libby and I watched Men in Black 2. Both girls were asleep by 8:30 so I had the whole evening to myself. As I sat there on the couch and just thought for a moment, I was like "I have the coolest job ever." I get paid to love children....which I do naturally but I guess I never thought of it that way before. I hope someday God blesses me with a family because I want to have kids of my own.
When I got back from baby-sitting, my roommate and I played another game of scrabble yes, we are obsessed:) In case you are wondering, I am still the Scrabble Champion!!! We were almost done with the game and Josh called. I was surprised to see it was him cause it was kinda late, but heck, I wasn't complaining. Anyways, it certainly is nice to have his support and encouragement through all this, not just for me but for my mom too. I feel so relieved whenever I hear how strong and capable he sounds...yep, so all in all it was a goodnight....oh yeah, there was one small thing that happened today that kind of made my heart go skyrocketing but it is a little to personal to reveal to the whole world so let's just say it was good. Night all!

2003-04-10T01:10:00.000-05:00

Seriously, my sleep patterns are so messed up. I am tired during the day, wide awake at night..I have got to get back to normal but I actually kind of like being awake at night because I get a lot done and it is so peaceful. On the otherhand, that could be the reason why I don't want to get up in the morning:) Anyways, couple of good things happened tonight. First off, I called Josh to wish him a happy birthday and ended up spilling the whole family deal to him. I am really glad I did because I felt so much better afterwards. My worst fear was that he would tell me he knew the whole time and then all the pedestols I have him on would come tumbling down. But he didn't know and to make matters better, he really made me feel better by his reaction so yeah for Josh! Second good thing is that I really feel God's presence surrounding me right now and giving me wisodm in what to say to my mom so that is huge for me. Yep, so yeah for God! And the third and final good thing is that I finally figured out how to put a guest book onto my blog so you should all sign it! Yeah for me! And now I am going to finish studying chemistry and try to sleep for at least 3 hours before I have to get up again. Night....

2003-04-09T20:05:00.000-05:00

I AM THE SCRABBLE CHAMPION!!! YEAH!!!!! 259 to 183!!! I WIN, YOU LOSE ROOMIE!!!!:)

2003-04-09T00:54:00.000-05:00

Yep, so tonight was the last chemistry lab and I am actually a little dissappointed. The extra free time will be nice but I actually enjoyed the whole lab thing...amazingly enough:) My lab partners were both really nice and I kinda felt smart since I actually understood most of the stuff. But the more that I think about it, it will be nice to have some extra evenings to just do nothing. Anyways, my day today started later than usual because at midnight last night (Mon. night) I got the urge to start doing homeowrk so I did (for 4 hours) which was good but then I definitely didn't want to get up today so I didn't. I just slept and slept and slept some more....it is so easy for me to just stay in bed and not get up. Then I went and picked up my check from watching the dogs and it was HUGE!!! Yeah for money:) Then I went to Walgreen's for shampoo and got sucked into the Easter aisle. What should've been a 3 dollar excursion turned into a 62 dollar trip because I went crazy making Easter baskest for people. I realized that while I do love to shop, it doesn't even need to be for me. I love buying things for other people too because I think that is one of the ways I show my love to people. So you special people should be excited because there are a few little surprises coming soon.
On a different note, my suite Bible study, which is usually not that great, really revealed some large things to me tonight. God really spoke to my heart through Hebrews ch 10 (you should read it) and gave me some insight and some wisdom, which I desperately need so for those of you who care, keep praying for me. Also thanks for the little outing, Travis, it was good to see you and to just talk. It was really sweet of you to do that for me. It is the caring of other people that really touches my heart and softens it. You give me hope that there are some Godly guys left out there. Also thanks to my roomie for the scrabble fun, and yes, I know you actually won:) Ok, I am going to try and sleep now even though I am really not tired, so goodnight all.

2003-04-04T20:30:00.000-06:00

I am baby-sitting right now but the kids are enthralled with a video so I have the time to sit and think. One problem, there is nothing I really want to think about. Stell, thanks for your phone call today. I really needed to hear from you and your saying "i love you" made my heart feel a little softer. Thank you God for friends who touch my heart and make this life worth living. Anyways, these past two weeks have been really hard for me but yesterday I got some good advice from an unlikely source. I went to this person for a school related problem but ended up spilling my heart out on the floor. Not only did he pick it up carefully, but he dusted it off, and handed it back to me with prayers and encouragement. I am still hurting and angry over what is happening but I am also tired of having my world revolve around it. It takes too much energy to focus so I just haven't been. I have been simply doing nothing over and over again but that isn't really helping either because now I feel removed from life. So I am going to enter back into the land of the living. No more hibernating in my bed till 3 in the afternoon, no more sleepless nights because of worrying. I can't do anything about this so I am just going to deal and move on. Hard to do when it still isn't over but since I am not in control, I have to stop trying to regain my sanity and simply hand it over to God. Thank you Jesus that I don't have to be strong because You can be strong through me. Thank you Jesus that I can cry and You will always be there to comfort me. Thank you Jesus that I can rest in Your love and have peace that You have my days planned out and want to bless me. The little cement house around my heart is still there but at least it is starting to let a little light in. If you are praying for me please continue to do so, I still need all of that I can get. On a better note, I am only dog-sitting for 2 more days and then I get a nice fat paycheck! Well, I need to get back to the children so peace out, yo!

2003-04-03T01:16:00.000-06:00

Wednesday evening is long gone, now it is early Thursday morning (1 am) and still I procrastinate. Why is it that I make time for all the things I want to do but not the things I need to do? I am supposed to be the discplined and organized queen of the world but currently I don't want to do anything productive. For the past how many nights I have laid in my bed staring at the ceiling praying for sleep....now that I am tired enough to sleep I have to study for my Business law test. But as you can see I am not doing that, I am watching Friends and writing in my blog. Anyways, I had a pretty good day today. I baby-sat for the Miller's and had such a good time. I really love both Jack and Katie but Jack especially. He is two years old and getting cuter by the day. When he turns that pudgy little face to me and says "Buddy" (that is his nickname for me), I seriously can't refuse him. I love to make him laugh and smile..that sound brightens up my life and makes my heart happy. When I rock him to sleep or cuddle with him, I stare at his face and think how I can't wait to hold my own child in my arms. People have always asked me if I get sick of kids since I baby-sit so much but I really don't. I ache to have a child of my own, someone to love and protect. I think part of that comes from my own need to have those things. I have been discovering lately through all that has been going on with me that I really have some problems with my emotions. Not a problem expressing them, but a problem letting them into my heart. I think that I get so scared of hurting or being vulnerable that I build a little cement house around my heart and everything that should affect it bounces off. Then there are those moments when my walls crumble and I feel so terrified because I am no longer in control of myself, I can't help hurting because the emotions rip at my tender and scarred heart. I think that's another reason why I build my little "house"... I am afraid that my heart won't hold up. How much hurt and how much pain can one heart take? Maybe I don't want anymore, isn't that ok? Can't I just have a little relief? Ok, this is getting a little too open for my blog...time to stop...goodnight all.

2003-03-30T15:44:00.000-06:00

Alright well, it is Sunday and I feel like the weekend has been a big, huge blur (thanks Punk!) Friday night was great. Moss and I had a sleepover at the "doggy place" and had some bathtub fun (completely innocent) and some movie fun. Really took my mind off the crap I have been dealing with so it was a much needed break. Last night (Saturday night) I worked as a server for Lydia at this job where there were 90 people. It ended up being great cause I made a ton of money and worked so hard I didn't have time to think. Right now, thinking is a bad thing because it takes my mind to places I don't wanna go. Besides that, I am just hanging with the doggies:) All 6 of them...it is actually comforting because they love me no matter what. After I got back last night, I didn't actually go to bed till 4 because once again I couldn't sleep but it was ok because I used my time wisely. I poured out my feelings to 2 particular people in letter form and while I can't send them right now; it was an emotional release for me and I needed that. I also did a lot of research on the world wide web and hopefully my newfound knowledge will be of some use to me. Did you know that you can find people to pray for you online? Well, you can and now there are people praying for me..I think that is cool. Currently I need to get my butt in gear and head back to school for some Business law junk so I am outta here. Oh, one last thing...it is a good thing that we have the promise of heaven at the end of this life because I am not so sure I would wanna live if this was all there was..alright so that is depressing and good all at the same time...

2003-03-27T08:30:00.000-06:00

Thanks to another restless night, I am here wondering if I should try to take a quick nap or dope myself up on caffeine. I am afraid that if lay down, I won't get back up for a long time and I really need to make an effort to maintain some normalcy in my life. So I am gonna try to keep going and since I have so much anger fueling me, I am pretty sure that I can stay strong. Anyways, if you are praying for me, keep praying because I need all the help I can get.

2003-03-27T02:00:00.000-06:00

Which "Saved By The Bell" Character Are You?

Now at 2 in the morning, I have discovered thanks to Brad's quiz, that I am Lisa Turtle on Saved By the Bell. Then again since, I love to shop, and do think I am a princess this is not a big shocker. However, due to recent events I am questioning the whole boy issue. Life is complicated with men...you never really seem to be able to know who they really are.

2003-03-26T19:37:00.000-06:00

I gotta tell you, I have been really angry during a lot of times in my life but never like this. I wish I could explain more but I can't quite yet. All I know is that I swear if I could, I would explode from all the rage I have in me. I know God has not forsaken me, but it is during times like these that I wonder what He is leading me to. It had better be a darn huge thing or else I am not sure this life is worth it. Please pray for wisdom and strength for me and for another. I feel almost as if I am in some weird alternate universe....unaffectionately titled "Crap on Me" planet (thanks Punk:)) My life always seems to do this, things go great for a short period of time and then BAM, I am back on my knees crying out for help. Dear Lord, have mercy on me, I am only human.

2003-03-25T21:34:00.000-06:00

If there was ever a time for prayer, this is it... I need anyone who reads this to get on your knees and beg God that He will show me what to do...I need His help desperately...please pray for me

2003-03-24T14:48:00.000-06:00

Ok, so I woke up in the middle of the night last night with a pounding headache which was weird. Needless to say, I didn't sleep very well and then when I woke up this morning I felt like crap so I went back to bed. During this next time of sleeping, I had the most bizarre dreams ever. One of them had to do with the Jackson 5 all getting out of a shower fully clothed. Another one had me eating in a restaurant and finding metal clamps in my chicken wrap. And the last one had me getting really angry at this old women who dissappeared while doing my hair. Seriously, when I told my roommate about these dreams I think she questioned my mental health and frankly, I don't blame her. In almost all parts of my dreams I was so angry I could feel it while I was sleeping..maybe I have unresolved rage or something? Anyways, I still don't feel so great so I am going to crawl back in bed and watch a movie. Later...

2003-03-23T22:19:00.000-06:00

Why is it that the end of the weekend is always here before I am ready for it to end? I never seem to get all that I want done and that leaves me feeling frustrated because I am a goal oriented person and I feel like I am drifting when I don't finish my "to do" list. Yes, I do know how ridiculous that sounds because obviously I am not drifting after one weekend of slacking but still I have a voice in my head telling me I better get my butt in gear or I am going to be a failure. On a better note, we finally all went to the Pita Inn tonight and it was a lot of fun. I had the falafel (I LOVE FALAFELS!) and got to buy some over at the little market. The best part though was that so many of the "family" went and I love spending time with each one of them. It is such a diverse group of people and that is what makes it so fun! Thanks Punk for the fun time in the car:)
This weekend was a time of reflection for me because I am dealing with some tough issues. I found out my Grandpa has cancer and I am not sure how to take it. I haven't seen him since I was 12 so we are not exactly close but he is my mom's dad and I hurt knowing she is hurting. I also feel weird because he is my grandpa and I barely know him. It just seems so sad to me that 8 years have passed since I last saw him. It is really weird how that set of my grandparents keep to themselves with the occasional card and phone call and my other grandparents (in Florida) invite me to come any time I can and pay for my flight. Anyways, just pray for my Grandpa cause I am pretty sure he isn't a Christian.
I am also dealing with the fact that I have a very cold heart right now. Not towards people but I just feel unreceptive to God. I am going through the motions but it is like my heart is hard and I don't know why. I know that our spiritual walk is not all about emotions but I feel like I need to feel something and right now I just don't. Yep, so pray that I will figure out what is going on so I can reconnect. And now that I have procrastinated the evening away, I suppose I should do some Business Law and some Economics..yeah for the life of a business major:) Goodnight all!

2003-03-21T18:41:00.000-06:00

It is finally Friday and I guess I should be happy since it is the weekend but I'm not really. Frankly, I am in a really crappy mood and I am not sure why. Alright, fine I do know why but it shouldn't be as big of a deal as I am letting it be. You know how people can just be so inconsiderate and they don't even realize it? That is what has happened to me all day long. Not that I am always thinking of other people but I do tend to think about how I treat my friends and sometimes I feel like people don't do the same for me. It actually really hurts because no one likes to feel like they are being disregarded. It is just not a good feeling so currently I am sticking my tongue out like a 5 yr old to those that have made me feel like that. Anyways, on to the better part of my day. I was watching the news and turned it on just in time to see the whole "shock and awe" campaign by our military in Iraq. For the first time ever I actually sat glued to the news thinking "That's right, bomb the whole stinkin' city!" In reality, I don't want them to hurt any civilians but I do want them to get Saddam and make him suffer. The guy is a nut case! Another good part of my day is the fact that no matter how much I try to ignore God, He doesn' let me. Even when I am doing something I know I shouldn't, I have this voice in my head screaming at me to stop and think about the consequences. Often I push it aside but it will not be silenced. I suppose it is a blessing and a curse but today it was a curse because I just didn't feel like doing the "right" thing. Sometimes I just want to yell and scream and be like "No, I won't do it! I won't be the good little girl you all want me to be!" Yep, then reality kicks in and I begin to think about what people would think if I actually acted on that and I figure they would probably either disown me or be dissappointed in me so I revert back to the normal me you all know. Now I am off to CPAC to work off some of my aggression because I need a relief somehow.

2003-03-20T22:11:00.000-06:00

Well, I finally did it. I decided to jump on the bandwagon and start a blog. Now that I have, I am a little unsure of how much to write simply because I don't want to freak anyone out:) Since this is my first post I will tell you a little about my day today. Started out by finally making it to chemistry and stats class, so this is definitely a record day for me. But then it all went downhill when I decided to be a rebel and choose the Cheesecake Factory over my Business Law class. Alright, fine, I am not that much of a rebel but I probably should've gone to class instead. Anyways, I have a lot of crazy stuff I am dealing with right now but I don't think I will go into that right now. Instead, I will take refuge in my bed and the down comforter that I call home. So goodnight everyone....oh yeah, wait, no one knows I have a blog yet so I guess just goodnight to me.